Wednesday, March 18, 2020

My Worry Limit

I want to put out there what I'm thinking. I can think of no clearer way than to just copy the words directly from my journal. So here you have it, unpolished and uncensored. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2020 7:30 p.m.

Today I hit a breaking point with this Coronavirus crisis. For the past 6 days-since it started to get really real and life changes snowballed all over the country- I have thought about nothing but it. My mind is full of half baked thoughts that I can't fully reflect on, share, or do much with. My cell phone has been stuck to my hand. I've been obsessively checking Facebook newsfeed, messages, email, WhatsApp, Google News. In part to ease my idol mind, check on my friends around the world, and also stay informed quickly of the next big life change this crisis will inflict. Now, after I'm done with this entry, I'm going to put it all out of my mind until 10:30am tomorrow when I rejoin society. No more being buried in my phone or internet usage. I never thought it would be god to binge watch a tv show and let your mind go elsewhere. I started rewatching Stranger Things and it's been fun to get into their world for a while. 

Right now Coronavirus is spreading and we as a country-as a planet-need to "flatten the curve", stop from continued spikes in cases. This situation feels so surreal. State by state leadership is ordering closures of gyms, restaurants, bars, museums, libraries, bank lobbies. Basically anywhere large crowds can gather. Grocery stores are a bit weird. Mostly they are stocked, but are out of certain things. Stores are selling out of soap, sanitizer and toilet paper as people stock up. I don't know whether to try and stock up on food and supplies if we really get stuck in our houses or not to worry about it too much. I don't even know how to prepare for something like that. I make my grocery list based on what I need for 1 week, not weeks. I mean I know I could buy beans, dry goods, frozen vegetables. But I don't even want to spend lots of money. I don't even want to eat those things long term. Honestly, I'd rather stock up on junk food which can bring me some pleasure. Things that I'd crave if I really can't leave my house. Right now we are just advised to limit outings and stay home. To stay home and self-quarantine if you are feeling sick. You shouldn't go to work because you could be infected and not know it or not have symptoms. So we are all washing hands, sanitizing surfaces, practicing "social distancing"; staying out of places where people congregate. So far outside is still not off limits. :) It's about all we can look forward to doing.  

So how do I move forward after this mental capacity limit? Things are slow enough at work that I am looking at my phone too much to occupy my mind. I need to find projects to keep me busier. The past few days have been slow, but not dead, but I've been annoyed at people that come in. Thinking don't get too close, don't touch me, why are you people even out? But I need to remember that most people are totally fine. If I use the best practices of keeping my distance and washing my hands after working with someone I'll be fine. A lot of hype mixed with uncertainty leaves me as a big ball of nerves. I was wanting a break to reflect and think, lay low and watch t.v. But I am giving it to myself now and since I don't have to be into work until 10:30 tomorrow I'll do it more in the morning. The unknown of whether or not we will close has been getting to me. Whereas I don't want to lose income if I can't work, part of me just wants a break to not have to worry about being around people. But now that we have reduced hours I am getting a little bit of a break and the change of job has already happened-a bit. As for most of those public places closing, even after two days I am accepting it as the new normal. We will have to find entertainment elsewhere. And be conscious of finding joy by using our imagination a bit more. I need to stop being pissed at every little thing. Become more chill, but remember to keep boundaries and respect where I am too. 

I'm not suggesting me, or anyone get all lazy or stop being informed. We all need to do what is in our control. Washing our hands, sanitizing surfaces, being away from large congregations of people, stopping non-essential travel. But if we are doing those things, to the best of our ability there is nothing more we can do. Paranoia, overly worrying, and obsessively checking on the situation isn't going to help us. I'm coming to terms with some of the new temporary normal.