One of the more consistent habits of my life is keeping a hand written journal. I couldn't stop now if I tried. For 15 solid years I have filled books with my frustrations, my annoyances, my hopes, joys, sadness, and inner most feelings. I've filled 35 unique books with the story me, and the script keeps on being added to.
I keep all my journals in a plastic tote in my basement. A very heavy piece of my life that would be a high priority to save in a fire. I've gone back and read about different parts of my life by picking out a specific book before, however now I'm starting the project of reading them all.
I don't believe I've ever written my journal with the priority of documenting my life for memory's sake. I journal because it's therapy. With thoughts, feelings, and experiences bouncing around in chaos in my head, they seem to drive my a little nuts from time to time. But in writing them down they become more clear and I'm able to quiet my mind from all the thoughts that build up. What's left as a byproduct of this therapy is documentation of time when I was upset, happy, hopeful, hopeless, and all those times I wouldn't get around to remembering.
Going back to the journals of my late teens and early twenties is a bit of an embarrassing experience for me. If 31-year-old Alex met 17-year-old Alex, she might give her a good slap across the face for some of the things she thought about relationships. It's refreshing to know I don't believe some of the same things anymore that I did then, but it's a bit hard to believe some of the ways I felt then.
I always say "you never know how you are going to feel tomorrow" so I can't fault myself for feeling the way I did in the past. This experience is showing me that there are many things about me that are very different, and for that I am thankful. But, interestingly enough I'm finding so many things to be the same. Documenting things from that far back shows me a foundation for what I am now. Some things make a lot of sense now.
One thing I will never fault myself for are the countless entries about me and my friends having good fun. Some of my earliest entries are filled with stories of nights going to movies, playing games at someone's house, and me being fully aware that I was a young woman appreciating a carefree life of living in the moment.
Sunday, November, 23rd, 2003 (Age 17)
Last night was so amazing. Just like Friday, except maybe better. The first hockey game was a blast. I totally let go and screamed my lungs out for the team. I made a sign for my friend L.T. After the hockey game all of us went to Kahley's for a little bit and ate. After that we played this really fun game that the boys made up. It was hide-n-seek in cars in the dark. We went to this neighborhood by Allie's house and played. It was so much fun and very funny. Our team; Matt, Colby, Kahley, and I were really bad! LOL. But after about two hours of that we all went to Rock-n-Bowl from midnight to two a.m. We had fun there too. After that we were all burned out, but it was such an awesome weekend with so much fun.