As many of you know in addition to this blog I have kept hand written journals since the age of 17. Among my most priceless possessions, these journals hold the keys to my memories and allow me to revisit other parts my life at my leisure. One such time I have been revisiting is my time in Peace Corps. I've begun with the first journal I wrote because I want to put myself back to those times, those time that made me who I am today.
It's all wonderful stuff to read, but surely does make me want to be there all over again. But what I am finding what I am missing the most is not the good times or the laughs, but rather the trying times, the ones that took so much strength just to go on. I want to share one entry with you that I wrote during one of those times. It was the last entry in my first book.
Friday, May 28, 2010 11:45 a.m.
Today is a difficult day, one of those want to be numb days that I want to hide from all the things I can not face. I miss the things that make so much sense to me. A row of single family homes, an open green park, a cool wooded path. I miss the sights and sounds that I recognize, the ones that are so familiar to me. I miss the things that easily and genuinely bring me joy.
I know what I do here is valuable and that it is quality. In my personal relationships alone I am making a meaningful impact. But what kills me are the hours in between. The meaningless hours I must spend between the meaningful ones. In these hours I have nothing but to focus on me and doing the things that make me feel OK. And at sometimes I only have the motivation to sleep. Like today. And I sleep because I'm tired and I'm tired because I sleep and I sleep just to pass the time.
I have these ups and downs like this which can come in the blink of an eye and also be gone just as fast. It's just like some days I know I just don't have the strength, but it's OK because others I know I do.
There are many things that continuing this experience will bring me, like getting to have more adventures here and in other countries, the completion of a dream, and the accomplishment of seeing something through. Once I finish this experience I will be able to look back with a pride that can't be matched. I miss America and know it's the place for me, but I know it's not going anywhere, neither are the people who love me. America has it's problems-big problems-but for the things that it does have it is worth living with them. One of those things that is so worth it is the freedom I feel. The freedom to wear what I like, believe what I like, love who I like, work how I like, eat what I like, drink what I like, and receive the respect I deserve. I've been here for nine months and have 17 to go and even though living through the hours is hard this will really go by in the blink of an eye.
This was a time of enormous growth for me. I think what I am missing is the opportunity for growth. I think we do most of our growing when we are challenged and never before had I ever been challenged like I was then.