For the past 25 years of my life I have known what’s next. I went to school. I knew what grade I would be in the next year. I went through high school knowing I would start college. I did well so I would be able to get in. I went to Jackson Community College and once I knew I wanted to go to Michigan State I did everything possible to assure I would be accepted. When I realized I wanted to join the Peace Corps I dedicated all my being into making that dream happen. Once I got my dream of becoming a Peace Corps volunteer I lived it out knowing that I had gotten exactly what I wanted.
Now that that dream has come and gone I feel like for the first time in my life I’m not sure what’s next. Yes I have a general idea of what my future looks like, we all do, but it’s less clear than the visions of my future I’ve had in my past.
Being young and unattached I feel I can do anything. But anything leaves a lot of choices. Some choices could be good some could be bad. I guess that’s the gamble that we all take every day.
I haven’t lived in Jackson long term for five years. Now that I’m here and I can go for rides with my dad or pop in on my Aunt Marylynn anytime. When I think about staying I feel comfort. I do feel afraid of getting too comfortable and it might be harder and harder for me to get out and explore again. When I think about leaving, to be frank, I get a little scared. I’m not exactly sure what I’m scared of. Maybe scared of starting again, missing my family, or not liking the decision I made.
I had the big idea of working on Mackinac Island for the summer. I believe it’s a good idea, but it’s not the only one. In just 24 hours of applying for a few hotels up there I got two emails back, one interview finished one scheduled, and one job offer.
If I want this dream, I’ve got it. But I toy with what exactly I want to be right now and where I want to go.
I am a very goal driven person. As you have read before I’ve had some goal in recent years of my life that have guided me. Now I’m just not sure I have such as firm goal to attach myself to. In a way my life’s compass is a little broken at the moment.
But maybe I should embrace this confusion and spend a little time stumbling around in the dark. I am bound to stumble over something worthwhile.
When I feel distressed I like to use these words of wisdom from the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Here is the text of it in case you want to use it for yourself!
For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.