Wednesday, October 7, 2009

It's weird getting what you want so bad

Disclaimer: Entries like this are exactly the reason I didn’t want to have a blog. I didn’t want to bore my readers with story after story that comes from the pit of my heart. However on the flip side, I want you all to be with me. I want you to feel what I feel, see what I see, so we can have this experience together. I have so many feelings inside of me that I am dying to let out, and I can’t express myself fully to very many people here.

For most of my life I have always been a dreamer. I have been the type that believes, in theory, that dreams come true. As much of a dreamer as I am, I am also realistic. So I have always put a realistic spin on dreaming, if you will.
Being accepted to the Peace Corps is the very first thing in my life that I have worked for and gotten. Yes I know I worked hard through college to earn a degree, but graduating college didn’t feel like achieving a dream to me. It just felt like something that was already decided for me. I didn’t feel like I had a choice in getting a college degree, it was just something I had to do. But for the past three years I thought about Peace Corps almost daily. I tailored my life to achieving this dream. I fantasized about what my life could be like if I were a Peace Corps volunteer.
But it’s weird now having achieved my dream and I’m just not as happy as I feel I should be. Thinking about doing Peace Corps from the warmth and comfort of my bedroom in the USA felt so romantic. I can envision that talking about my Peace Corps experience after it is complete will be just as romantic. It’s just the time in between that is not so romantic. I’m not trying to say that being surrounded by landscape that looks like a painting and being able to watch children laugh and play in the streets is not wonderful. It’s just I am tested every on every level everyday. I come from a place where I am educated, respected, loved, and appreciated. Here my education means nothing. I speak as if I am 2 year old, and I can’t express myself farther than “I’m tired” or “I’m hungry”.
But achieving my Peace Corps dream has really taught me something great. Something that I never knew for sure until now. It has taught me that it is possible to get what you work for and dreams really do come true. I know it sounds pretty “Disney” but you don’t realize this fact until you actually get something that you want with all your heart and soul. Now I know that the rest of my dreams are possible and that once one dream is realized another is born.
I hope the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” holds true to me in this experience. I know now that anything I may face in my future will seem so much easier after getting though the challenges that I will get though here in Morocco. I understand fully the value of this experience and I look forward to seeing the person it shapes me into.